This blog is the second in a series based on my 2021 book Why is My Child in Charge? A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find More Joy in Parenting Your Young Children.
Through stories of my work with families, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, including: tantrums, aggressive behavior, sleep, mealtime battles, and potty learning. Most importantly, it shows you how to get back in the driver’s seat–where you belong and where your child needs you to be.
This installment focuses on the mindset that… My child is misbehaving on purpose. He should be able to accept limits and exhibit greater self-control.
Kishan takes his three-year-old daughter, Seema, to the pool several times a week in the summer. Even though Kishan gives Seema a five-minute warning before it’s time to get out of the pool, when time is up, Seema says she hasn’t had enough swimming and needs five more minutes. When Kishan says no, she calls him mean and starts to pout. In a desperate attempt to stave off a tantrum, Kishan relents and gives Seema the extra time, but that changes exactly nothing. Seema still refuses to get out. Kishan tries bribery and threats—she’ll get a treat if she gets out, or she’ll lose a book at bedtime if she doesn’t get out. Nothing works. Eventually, Kishan has to drag Seema out, which is mortifying for him and, he imagines, pretty embarrassing for Seema, too. Kishan starts to dread going to the pool with her and finds every excuse not to go. They spend more time at home doing indoor things. He knows it would be better for his daughter to be outside, using her muscles, learning to swim and making new friends. He feels frustrated and sad for both of them.
If this scenario sounds familiar, you are not alone. Interactions like this play out every day in families with young children: child doesn’t follow a direction, parent tries a range of strategies to get the child to cooperate, child still doesn’t comply, parent loses it and gets punitive, child melts down, parent either feels bad and caves or angrily punishes child with no positive resolution.
One of the most foundational mindsets at play during these encounters is the parent’s belief that their young child should have greater self-control than she is capable of. It’s tricky figuring out what is developmentally appropriate. How do you make sense of the fact that your child can repeat the rule aloud but keeps violating it? How can you interpret this behavior as anything but intentional? What brain science tells us is that just because children can verbalize a rule, it doesn’t mean they have the impulse control to follow it. The part of the brain in charge of managing feelings and impulses is still very immature in children under age five. They are not able to stop and think about their feelings; they are functioning from their “downstairs brain” that is driven by impulses and emotions, which they act out. Their desire to get what they want when they want it rules the day.
It is also true that young children learn to rely on behaviors that are successful in getting them what they want. If accusing you of being mean or unfair results in more screen time, or pool time in Seema’s case, your child naturally files away these tactics as effective tools for getting what she wants. If making a big ruckus at bedtime results in a quick ticket to getting to sleep in your bed so he doesn’t wake up his younger brother, this behavior is reinforced. These kids are not purposefully “misbehaving”. They are doing exactly what their DNA drives them to do–to pursue their goals using whatever strategies work.
By making the mindshift that Seema is not misbehaving on purpose, that having to stop a fun activity is hard for her toddler brain to manage, Kishan implements a new plan. He gives Seema a warning using a visual timer. When time is up he is clear that she will now exit the pool, but that how this happens is totally up to her. She has “two great choices”: she can get out of the pool on her own, or he will be a helper and carry her out. He tells her that this second option may feel uncomfortable for both of them–he doesn’t like having to physically carry her out, especially when she is thrashing about–but if Seema chooses not to come out on her own, that is what he will do to help them move along. Kishan enacts this plan lovingly, calmly and consistently. When he has to carry Seema out, he avoids any scolding or lecturing which would only fuel the flames. He is showing Seema with his actions that he loves her so much he is not going to get drawn into a heated, protracted power struggle. This new approach leads to less vehement protests and ultimately to Seema’s cooperating with getting out of the pool without a fight. Taking this kind of approach that is loving, clear and supportive in similar situations with Seema results in fewer power struggles and greater cooperation with the many other limits Kishan has to set as the dad of a feisty toddler. Both are much happier for it.
Having appropriate expectations is critical because the meaning you assign to your child’s behavior influences how you react. If you think your child is purposefully trying to drive you mad with her defiance, you are much more likely to respond in harsh ways that lead to an increase, not a decrease, in acting-out behavior. When we get revved up and reactive with our young kids, it escalates their distress, making it harder for them to calm down and learn from the experience. If you see these behaviors in the context of normal development, you are more likely to implement limits calmly and with empathy for how hard it is for your child to learn to manage his strong desires and impulses. When you are clear about expectations while remaining loving, you avoid a lot of anger and shaming. Your child does not get consumed with upset about the “break” in the relationship with you in that moment and is able to be calm and adapt more quickly.
By making the mindshift that Seema is not misbehaving on purpose, that having to stop a fun activity is hard for her toddler brain to manage, Kishan implements a new plan. He gives Seema a warning using a visual timer. When time is up he is clear that she will now exit the pool, but that how this happens is totally up to her. She has “two great choices”: she can get out of the pool on her own, or he will be a helper and carry her out. He tells her that this second option may feel uncomfortable for both of them–he doesn’t like having to physically carry her out, especially when she is thrashing about–but if Seema chooses not to come out on her own, that is what he will do to help them move along. Kishan enacts this plan lovingly, calmly and consistently. When he has to carry Seema out, he avoids any scolding or lecturing which would only fuel the flames. He is showing Seema with his actions that he loves her so much he is not going to get drawn into a heated, protracted power struggle. This new approach leads to less vehement protests and ultimately to Seema’s cooperating with getting out of the pool without a fight. Taking this kind of approach that is loving, clear and supportive in similar situations with Seema results in fewer power struggles and greater cooperation with the many other limits Kishan has to set as the dad of a feisty toddler. Both are much happier for it.
